


Reach for me (reaching out for you)

by Steel_Wings



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bisexual Steve, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 05:24:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1732733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Steel_Wings/pseuds/Steel_Wings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve just wanted to find Bucky. He didn't expect him to stay. He didn't expect him to care. And he certainly didn't expect things to end up like this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reach for me (reaching out for you)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Essie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Essie/gifts).



> So much thanks to Essie for being my inspiration and also my beta. This fic is basically just exists to fulfill my deep seated desire for domestic fic set post catws with Bucky deprogramming. The title of the fic comes from the song Reach For Me from SMASH.

Things are quiet for a little while after the incident in DC. Natasha hooks Steve up with a new apartment in Brooklyn that’s not SHIELD affiliated (she knows a guy) and he and Sam settle in to operation find Bucky. A couple of weeks in, it’s clear the mission is a total failure. They don't find Bucky, but they do stop six up and coming new villains, a school shooter, a bank robbery, and a car jacking. Every time Steve can’t help but be disappointed it's not Bucky. And of course he's relieved, what kind of guy is hoping to find his best friend bombing residential streets, but he can't help the small part of himself that still worries Bucky died in the water, trapped under all that SHIELD debris. It’s a dream that wakes him sweaty and shaking more nights than he'd care to admit. He also can’t deny there’s a small selfish part of him that just wants Bucky here–wants Bucky back–now that he knows it's an option.

They don't find Bucky, but miraculously Bucky finds them. He saves Steve's life, takes out a sniper on the roof across the street a moment before she pulls the trigger. Steve has a moment to stare at him, in a jacket and jeans with his metal hand flashing in the sun, before he bolts.

Natasha tackles him; it's not elegant but it works. Steve is there in seconds and Bucky looks up at him, nervous, caged and (Steve is really hoping he's not imaging this) maybe a little hopeful. Steve gets out a choked "Hey," feeling guilty and unbelievably relieved. He tells Natasha to let him go, and Bucky leaves. It feels like finally catching his breath after being held underwater only to be pushed right back down again. Still, he gave Bucky his address, told him to come by when he was ready, and he took it, and that's something.

-

Bucky comes to his apartment that night, but Steve doesn't see him until two weeks later. He knows Bucky’s been there because Steve's picture of the two of them, taken by Howard and given to him by Peggy so many years later, is missing. Sam is still incredulous that Steve gave his address to a “mentally unstable murderer who is fixated on you,” and Natasha insists on sweeping the whole place for bugs and traps, but finds none. Steve starts leaving little notes when he goes out on yellow sticky paper. Memories and inside jokes. Every few days the notes disappear as well. Steve hopes wherever Bucky is, whatever he's going through, that he's helping.

When he finally does see Bucky again, it's clearly calculated and planned, his friend rapping on the door in perfect staccato, standing awkward a few feet back when Steve opens the door. He's freshly showered and doesn't look like he's been sleeping on the street. He simply says, "Steve," voice rough with disuse.

Steve wants to throw his arms around Bucky and just hold on but he's got enough sense to know that's a bad idea. So instead he steps back smiling and, trying to kept his body language relaxed, says, "Wanna come in? I was gonna get a pizza." Bucky does come in, and then he stands by the door looking awkward and lost. Steve wills himself to relax and moves into the kitchen, pulling down a menu for the pie joint around the corner.

-

Bucky is silent and still in the apartment, looking horribly displaced, but at least he eats at the table with Steve. After a few bites he says, tentatively, "What is this crap?" With a small cautious smile. Steve laughs too loud and is disappointed when Bucky quickly looks away and schools his face back into that impassive frown. Still, when Steve pulls out the couch bed and dresses it, Bucky stays without a fuss.

-

Steve does most of the talking around the apartment. Small comments or jokes that don't really demand responses. But Bucky keeps trying out little jokes and phrases, a shell of his old wit. On the second morning he says, "Why does your soap smell like lavender?" And, after he discovers the collection of 21st century love poems on the bedside table, "Tell me this belongs to a dish you romanced." It's painfully obvious that it's a forced imitation of who Steve expects Bucky to be, but the tenderness implied in that gesture is enough that Steve doesn't care.

-

Bucky doesn't stay in the apartment all day. It's a good thing too, or else Steve would probably never leave himself. The problem is, Steve has no idea where he's going, and for all he knows Bucky has joined a faction of Hydra, or some other crime syndicate. Steve resists the recurrent urge to follow him (or ask Natasha to follow him) mostly because he's pretty sure if Bucky were part of a crime syndicate he'd surely leave the apartment if he thought Steve was on to him. What Steve does know is that Bucky comes back with a bag of gently used clothes and a stack of library books. Steve doesn't ask (doesn't really want to know) if Bucky stole them, but he quietly observes Bucky make space for his stuff in the closet by the door and begin to read (mostly history books) with his back to the wall.

-

Bucky doesn't like to be touched. Steve learned that the hard way when he came into the kitchen one morning, half asleep and vision blurred with exhaustion, to get a glass of water and walked straight into Bucky, who made a noise of surprise and stepped back. Realizing his mistake Steve reached out to touch his shoulder murmuring a quiet "Woah, sorry Buck," but as soon as his hand connected with the soft warm cotton of Bucky's tee-shirt, a metal hand clamped down hard around his arm, applying a bruising amount of force. Steve winced and withdrew quickly, even as Bucky released him and rushed out a series of quick apologies.

"It's fine," Steve said "I'm the one who should be apologizing." Bucky shook his head but Steve got the message loud and clear. Bucky doesn't like to be touched, so Steve makes sure nobody touches him. When, two weeks later, Bucky reaches out and pats Steve on the arm, casual and deliberate, after he’s whooped Sam's ass at chess, it makes Steve happy enough to cry. This of course prompts Bucky to look at him, alarmed and disgusted, and ask "What's wrong with you man?" It only makes Steve want to cry harder.

-

Three months after Bucky moves in, Natasha pulls out a pair of pristine shearing scissors and insists on a hair cut. Admittedly, Bucky's hair is now past his shoulders, but the look of total fear on his face as he eyes the metal is enough to have Steve stepping forward. "I like it," Steve announces, giving Bucky a supportive smile which seems to call him down, "it suits him." Natasha eyes him critically, before shrugging and sheathing the tool back in her pocket. Bucky's total relief is directed at Steve, a smile twitching at the corner of his mouth, and Steve's chest constricts so suddenly and painfully he has to look away.

-

Steve finds out about the nightmares accidentally, which makes him feel like a lousy soldier and an even lousier friend. He wakes up from a dream of his own, from being on a train in a cold Russian winter, and being so close but not close enough. It's a familiar dream, and Steve would normally just read until he was relaxed enough to try to fall back asleep, but the draw of Bucky in the next room, alive and breathing, creates a powerful itch to confirm.

When he sees Bucky though, lit by the dim glow of the digital clock and stereo display (Steve isn't fond of leaving the blinds open anymore) he can instantly tell something's wrong. He's moaning as if he's in pain, quiet, almost inaudible from up close, and shaking, his body rigid and curled in on itself. Steve wakes him saying his name louder and louder, but unwilling to reach out and use touch. After his seventh try, Bucky's eyes snap open, and he looks around wildly for a moment before his gaze settles on Steve and he says Steve’s name quiet and low like a question.

Steve reaches out, and when Bucky doesn't flinch away, slowly wraps an arm around his shoulders and pulls him into a loose hug. They stay like that for several moments, quiet and still, until Bucky lets a sudden and clearly involuntary sob—loud enough to make Steve jump in the quiet apartment—and crumples against him. After half an hour Steve's knees begin to ache. Bucky doesn't protest when he slides onto the pullout next to him, and shifts them both until they can lie side by side. 

In the morning, Bucky's gone, but Steve wakes up three days later to find Bucky in his bed. It becomes a routine, not every night, but once or twice a week they seek each other out and sleep with a warm body pressed lightly against their side.

-

Sharon, the "nurse" from his old apartment, asks Steve on a date. She made contact with Natasha, and has been helping with damage control around the city. Because it catches him off guard, and because he promised Natasha he would, Steve agrees. That's how he finds himself in an upscale Italian restaurant, hideously underdressed in khakis and a button-down shirt, being wined and dined by a beautiful dame. Sharon is really nice, and Steve finds out over appetizers that she used to hear stories about him from her great aunt Peggy and isn't that a mind fuck.

Steve wants to be enjoying himself, but he can't stop worrying about Bucky. It's a weird helpless feeling, because he knows, objectively, that Bucky's fine, but he can't seem to shake the sense of emptiness that has him itching to run back to the apartment and see him. When they get out of the restaurant Steve rattles off an excuse to go home. He makes sure to thank Sharon, kiss her goodnight, and hail her a cab then he jogs the forty blocks home. When he gets there he finds the apartment empty and panics before he sees the little note stuck to the table that just says "Tasha's" in Bucky's neat lettering. Steve feels unjustifiably like he's just gone another round with the Chitari and goes to bed, suddenly exhausted.

-

Bucky's not back in the morning, and for reasons he can't totally explain it puts Steve in a foul mood. When Bucky comes in in the late afternoon, the first thing he does is ask Steve how his date went. Steve is a little taken aback, since he's pretty sure he never told Bucky what he was doing last night, but recovers quickly enough to say, "It was nice. Sharon's beautiful, smart, funny. I had a good time." 

Bucky gives him a sly smirk and intones "I'm sure it's hard for you to find someone who's the whole package these days huh Captain?"

Steve frowns, remembers Bucky's note, and says "Hey I'm happy for you." When Bucky looks at him like Steve's grown an extra head he elaborates, "You and Tasha. You're good together." Bucky nods and looks away, wearing a smile that doesn't reach his eyes . It's just as well, because Steve doesn't really feel much for smiling either.

-

Steve doesn't really have any intention of going out with Sharon again, but Bucky suggests a double date and Steve, like always, finds it impossible to resist the magnetizing force of his will.

Natasha carries the evening with her effortless wit, reminding Steve why he loves her. All in all the night goes pretty well, until halfway through dinner Steve asks how long Natasha and Bucky have been together and Natasha does the eyebrow thing, the one that clearly conveys "what drugs are you on" and Bucky chokes on water. "Uh," she says long and drawn out, "you tell me." She turns to Bucky and gives him the challenging eyebrows and he literally runs out of the restaurant. "Well that was melodramatic" she says and sips her drink.

Steve stares at her. "So you’re not an item then I take it." Natasha gives him a critical look.

"I'm not really his type." Steve opens his mouth to object, because of course she is, Nat is basically the perfect girl for this new Bucky, but she cuts him off. "Talk to Bucky," she says. Steve stands, remembers Sharon, and turns to her. "It's fine," she says, “Go talk to your friend.” Steve smiles, because Sharon is pretty classy too, puts down money for their meals and makes his exit.

-

Bucky isn't in the apartment. Steve calls him, and then when that fails, he gets Natasha to track his phone. He's not particularly proud of that move, but it's effective. He finds him in a bar, half drowned in booze.

"Steve," Bucky croons when he takes up the bar stool next to him, "I didn't want to talk to you."

"Yeah well," Steve replies, "someone's gotta make sure you don't poison yourself." He makes a grab for Bucky's glass but fails to extract it from his grip. "Why did you tell me you were with Natasha?"

"Didn't tell you," Bucky slurs, "you assumed." The irony of this situation is that a drunk Bucky is apparently the same little shit no matter what, and that means Steve finally has his old Bucky back and he can’t even enjoy it.

"You wanted me to think that," Steve presses, "Bucky what did Natasha mean when she said she 'wasn't your type?’" Bucky laughs and it’s ugly and a little hysterical. "Buck," Steve says a little desperately, " Tell me what's going on."

Bucky's smile is sharp and hard, but when he speaks he looks like he's bracing for a blow. "I'm not into women, strictly speaking."

Steve really wishes he didn't look so surprised, like a gaping fish probably, but this is Bucky. Bucky who's dated more girls than Steve can count and more importantly how did he not know? He has to say something though, and what actually comes out is not what he means to say at all. Probably. "Me neither." Bucky looks at him incredulously. "I mean I do, I like women-"

"Peggy," Bucky supplies.

"Peggy," Steve agrees, "Sharon. But Bucky I also like men."

"What men?" Bucky asks, or more accurately accuses.

"Men," Steve says, going scarlet because this is so not a conversation he is ready to have right now. "Guys, people with male bodies, it doesn't matter."

Bucky snorts but doesn't push the issue. "Yeah, okay," he says doubt still clear in the pitch of his voice.

-

Steve drags Bucky out of the bar an hour later and gets him into bed. He leaves a bucket and a glass of water but no aspirin because he's still sort of mad. He's heading to his room when Bucky grabs his arm and murmurs, "Stay." Steve makes himself comfortable on the pull out with his back to the cushions.

"Why didn't you tell me Buck?" Steve asks into the silence when he's half sure the other man's asleep.

"Didn't tell anyone," Bucky says after a moment, quiet but more sober than he's sounded all night. "I didn't want you to treat me differently. Didn't want to ruin the friendship."

"It wouldn't have been like that," Steve says, quietly and maybe a little apologetic that Bucky assumed he was that kind of person. "

“Yeah maybe," Bucky says, "Doesn't matter now."

Steve thinks that about sums it up. What if he had told Bucky back then, when he was the outgoing handsome Brooklyn boy, how he had felt about him. Knowing what he knows now, it's possible Bucky would have reciprocated. Possible, but not likely. Steve wasn't exactly a heartthrob and Bucky had always treated him like a brother. Maybe knowing would have just given him false hope. And now, well, Steve's not who he was and Bucky is a completely different person, with only fragments of memories connecting the two. It doesn't matter now.

-

They don't talk about that night. Steve is comforted by the knowledge that Bucky remembers it, and knows he doesn't care, because over breakfast two days later he says "So who would you rather bang, Iron Man or the Hulk?" And Steve spits out his orange juice while Bucky laughs.

-

Sharon calls him up a few days later and says he owes her a date. He dresses for "pizza and beer" at her place and leaves Bucky on the couch, which makes him feel stupidly guilty after the double dating fiasco.

Sharon's place is nice, more modern than his own apartment, with a flat screen TV they use to watch Star Wars when Steve sees it on the shelf and and admits it's on his “list.” When the credits on the first one (Sharon assures him episode 4 comes first) roll, Sharon turns to him and says "So what was it like growing up before Star Wars?" like that is the weirdest thing she can possibly imagine.

He tells her about going to the movies, and fairs and the Stark expo, about the hundreds of little adventures and games and outings he went on or to with Bucky. He's telling her about the Dodgers game at Ebbets Field, the one SHIELD had tried to use to trick him, about seeing Pete Reiser's grand slam in person and Bucky sneaking them into the good seats, when Sharon cuts him off.

"You really love him don't you?"

Steve balks at the question, confused, because of course he loves Bucky. Bucky is his family.

"No I mean, all the stories I read about the Howling Commandos, and Howard Starks memoirs, I always kinda thought you two might have been in love, but I thought maybe that was just me reading myself into a story like usual."

Steve gives Sharon a questioning look.

"I'm bisexual," she clarifies, "I like men and women, and I guess I wanted to believe that Captain American was like me. I didn't have a lot of role models."

"Oh," Steve flounders for a second because that's a part of himself that's still new and raw, an untested identity. "Me and Bucky weren't together. Aren't together," he corrects.

"No," Sharon says, smiling at him sadly, "but you want to be right? Listen I hope this isn't too forward but I'm an ex-SHIELD agent, I'm trained in observation and it's clear you two are into each other so why haven't you made a move?"

Steve frowns. "He's been through hell," he tells her calmly, pushing down the panic that is rising in his gut, "The last thing he needs is the only person he has making advances on him that he'd feel too guilty to refuse."

"You're not his keeper Steve," Sharon sighs. "Best friends fall in love all the time. Sometimes it's unrequited—and trust me when I say it is totally not this time I was at that dinner—and people get over it and move on. If you love him you should grow a pair and tell him how you feel. Bucky is stable enough to say no for himself, and that self righteous martyr attitude you've got going on is exhausting to be around all the time."

Steve's head is reeling from everything Sharon's said, doing gymnastics around if's and but's and what's, but the stern look of determination she's fixed on him makes him want to move. He's up out the door almost before he has the presence of mind to say “Thanks Sharon.” 

“Tell me how it goes!” she calls after him and then he's gone.

-

He opens the door a little harder than is strictly necessary, and winces when it bangs against the frame. Bucky looks up over the couch, book in hand, with bland surprise. "Steve what-"

"You!" Steve blurts blood roaring in his ears.

"Me?" Bucky repeats uneasily.

"Guys, I said I liked guys. I liked you. Like you. Like that." Steve makes a vague gesture. He feels utterly helpless at conversation and is fair sure, if Bucky's face is anything to go on, that he looks completely deranged.

"You want to date me?" Bucky asks him, incredulous.

"I know," Steve rushes, "Bucky I know it's not, I'm not expecting anything from you I just thought it was only fair. That you know."

"Oh my god are you serious," Bucky vaults the couch and Steve opens his mouth to say something again only for Bucky to say, "No shut up," and kiss him, full on the mouth. It's awkward and clumsy, Bucky's flesh and bone hand clutching too tight at his hair and his lips bumping against Steve's still shock-slack mouth. After a moment he backs off enough for Steve to look him in the eye again.

"Since when?"

Bucky snorts, "You're asking an amnesiac.” Then more serious, “It's in all the memories I have."

Steve frowns at him. “When we were kids? Before the serum, before today, and before everyone else was dead?"

"All of it!" Bucky repeats impatiently. "God Steve, the sleepovers were the worst! You used to get those awful shakes so I'd hold you, but I always woke up with the these ridiculous awkward hard-ons. You were my go-to jerk-off fantasy and then I had to face you in the morning."

Steve frowns. "I was hardly anybody's wet dream back then."

"You were very hot!" Bucky says defensively. "You had this whole tiny fists of justice and rage thing going. It doesn't matter. Steve shut up and let me kiss you."

"I think this is the most talking you've ever done sober in this apartment,” Steve says around a breathy laugh as Bucky mouths his way up Steve’s neck.

"Yeah well you won't shut up," Bucky murmurs, nipping the bolt of his jaw. "Gotta do what I need to to get you to stop talking."

Steve's full body laugh accidentally dislodges Bucky, and he reaches forward to kiss him in apology. "No more talking," he agrees.

-

Steve wakes up in his bed with Bucky wrapped around him, head pillowed on his shoulder and hair tickling his face. They're both still wearing their clothes from last night, but Steve reaches out to find a bare patch of skin above Bucky's shirt collar to rub with his free hand. Last night had been nice, had been fantastic really, even if they hadn't done more than kiss and grind against each other. Steve thinks about the day ahead, about making eggs and having a proper discussion about how they could be stupid enough to love each other for all that time and never say a word, and then they can pick up where they left off. Steve can think of a whole lot of other nice things they can do together. Bucky was right, it doesn't matter now what they had or didn't have in the past. This is a new Bucky and a new Steve and in the here and now they can make this work.


End file.
